All is well but I won’t lie to you, Monday and Tuesday were tough, emotional days.

Monday we had the hospital tour which was great but I had underestimated how difficult it would be to be in that ward again.  When we stepped off the elevator and walked in I nearly lost it.  We hung back from the group but I couldn’t help but cry.  The smells, the sounds, all so familiar and so very sad to think of when we had been there last.  One of the Mom’s asked if I was okay, thankfully our tour guide didn’t single me out.  I imagine they all thought that I was just freaked out about being in the hospital and/or labour.  If they only knew.  I made it through the rest of the tour okay though it was hard to walk by ‘our’ room, the room designated for pregnancies like ours.  The door was closed and JP and I sent positive, healing thoughts to whoever might be in there.

Tuesday was also tough, but good too.  Being in the waiting room was ok.  This time I wasn’t the only one so early on in my pregnancy, I looked like the other Moms.  But we were put in the same room where we found out that our little girl’s heart had stopped.   As soon as we walked in there I started to cry.  JP explained.  Once I calmed down the scan began and it went well. We were able to ask as many questions as we liked and she showed us everything. All is well, we have some beautiful pictures, some that even show the face that no longer looks like skeletor.  The non-stress test went well too and we listened to baby’s strong heart beat for 20 minutes.  Baby’s heart is doing what it should and we were told that the results are as good as it gets.

Funny that I didn’t feel huge relief after wards.  My first thought was, ‘it would be just my luck, that baby is fine right now but doesn’t make it for some unknown reason’.  Terrible, I know.  I should focus on the positive, there will ALWAYS be something to worry about.  So I’m trying.  Trying just to feel good knowing that things are ok and that baby is doing well and my body is doing a good job supporting him/her.

My breast scan was uneventful and I was told that it wasn’t cancer.  They were pretty blase about it though, big change from the baby scans where they are very reassuring and tell you everything.  It’s another worry I can put out of my head.  JP came for that one too even though I told him I’d be okay.  He has been so wonderful and supportive, I feel so grateful and lucky to have him as a partner.

So all news is good news and I am trying to focus on getting my work done so I can spend my last few weeks organizing and relaxing and not worrying about work.  There’s big changes ahead and I’m actually starting to believe we’ll get a baby out of this.  Finally.

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